The new and improved first chapter of my book

Chapter 1

     It was a normal fall day. "Great, just great" I said to myself. It was the first day of 11th grade. "Just perfect" i thought. "VASILLISSA ANN ROSEWAY! GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT! YOU WILL MISS YOUR RIDE!" my Aunt Emily yelled. i walked down staires. "Your friends Ari Deatheart and Athena Grace will be here any second" Aunt E added. "Okay, okay im down and ready for school Aunt E" I said.

     Sure enough Ari and Athena came driving round the corner. Athena was driving a 60's van. It was her aunts and she gave it to Athena for her 16th birthday. as alwasys Athena looked like a mess. like she hadn't had a good night sleep in forever. Her hair was black and tangled.She looked evil. While i looked beautiful but my hair was a mess. Now Ari was a different storry. she looked like death and her face could be pretty but it was ruined by being a Necromancer. And Athena also would have been pretty but she spent so much time dealing with evil and darkness. my face is the only pretty one but im a vampire. So of course i was beautiful.



     "We have to make a quick stop at my Aunts house to pick up my cousin, Roxy Norris." Athena said.we knew her. she was the one who was in the band "ThE sHiFtErS!"which is ironic because Roxy is a shape shifter. so as we pulled up the driveway to pick up Roxy we saw that she didnt pay atention to school dress code. while we tored the line with our clothes she had jumped over it in one leap. She wore a croped tank top and short-shorts. we had worn our usual which was basic nlack stuff with wrist to elbow arm things that were stripe red and black.

     when we pulled in the school parking lot roxy said "remember i am your 2nd cousin twice removed on your moms side so you cant embaras me" Roxy said.

TO BE CONTINUED

TO BE COUNTINUED

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 8:22am

Looks like this will evolve to become interesting. I like the names you've chosen for the characters names, i like how they are not boring names like..Emma or Sarah or something like that. Would you like a bit of criticism?

Permalink Reply by Manon Haley on May 15, 2010 at 8:24am

This chapter is really good !

Permalink Reply by Hannah Kline on May 15, 2010 at 6:04pm

i would love criticism
it would just make my book better and thats not all of the first chapter
i read Vasilissa in a book and just love the name
my sister came up with Ari and my friend came up with Athena cause she is obssesed with greek mythology like me :)

Permalink Reply by Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 10:19pm

Cool, i really do like the name Ari :)

For criticism:
-you spelled "stairs" as "staires."
-"im" should be "I'm"
-Need a capital on 'as'
-'alwasys' should be 'always'
-Need a capital on 'like' unless you accidentally put a full stop before it rather then a comma.
-There are a few areas where you forgot the space after a full stop.
-'i' needs to be 'I'
-Make sure you have capitals after a full stop.
-You spelled 'continued' wrong

That's all for grammar and spelling and such. Now you don't have to trust me with all my criticisms since i am only 15. One last thing to tell you, it was really good but i felt it was slightly rushed? Maybe it's just because it is just a part of the first chapter, but just keep that in mind. I look forward to reading more :)

Hannah Rosser said:

i would love criticism
it would just make my book better and thats not all of the first chapter
i read Vasilissa in a book and just love the name
my sister came up with Ari and my friend came up with Athena cause she is obssesed with greek mythology like me :)

Permalink Reply by _MiMee!!_ on May 15, 2010 at 11:33pm

HEY COOL FIRST CHAPTER, HOPE THERES MORE!!! love the name Athena lol hey did you get the name vasilissa from vampire academy cuz i love that series.

Permalink Reply by sarah elizabeth on May 16, 2010 at 2:02am

Heyyy now whats wrong with the name Sarah?? lol it happens to mean 'Princess' in hebrew!!! lol and i really love this look into chapter 1 but it needs work as do all stories but i can tell you have a lot of talent!!! :) cant wait for more!!!

Alicia Randall said:

Looks like this will evolve to become interesting. I like the names you've chosen for the characters names, i like how they are not boring names like..Emma or Sarah or something like that. Would you like a bit of criticism?

Permalink Reply by Alicia on May 16, 2010 at 2:08am

It's not like i don't like the name sarah XD
I just...gah, it's hard to explain :P

sarah elizabeth said:

Heyyy now whats wrong with the name Sarah?? lol it happens to mean 'Princess' in hebrew!!! lol and i really love this look into chapter 1 but it needs work as do all stories but i can tell you have a lot of talent!!! :) cant wait for more!!!

Alicia Randall said:
Looks like this will evolve to become interesting. I like the names you've chosen for the characters names, i like how they are not boring names like..Emma or Sarah or something like that. Would you like a bit of criticism?

Permalink Reply by sarah elizabeth on May 16, 2010 at 3:06am

haha its cool i used to wanna change it myself but since its a common name it kinda fits me because i blend in with the background and proud of it lol but its true my name isnt an attention grabber haha i understand...(sorry if im rammbling its late and im going to bed soon...*yawn*)

Alicia Randall said:

It's not like i don't like the name sarah XD
I just...gah, it's hard to explain :P

sarah elizabeth said:
Heyyy now whats wrong with the name Sarah?? lol it happens to mean 'Princess' in hebrew!!! lol and i really love this look into chapter 1 but it needs work as do all stories but i can tell you have a lot of talent!!! :) cant wait for more!!!

Alicia Randall said:
Looks like this will evolve to become interesting. I like the names you've chosen for the characters names, i like how they are not boring names like..Emma or Sarah or something like that. Would you like a bit of criticism?

Permalink Reply by Hannah Kline on May 16, 2010 at 8:11am

yes i did

_MiMee!!_ said:

HEY COOL FIRST CHAPTER, HOPE THERES MORE!!! love the name Athena lol hey did you get the name vasilissa from vampire academy cuz i love that series.

Permalink Reply by Hannah Kline on May 16, 2010 at 8:12am

there is nothing wrong with your name i have plenty of friends names sarah. at least your name isnt Hannah

sarah elizabeth said:

Heyyy now whats wrong with the name Sarah?? lol it happens to mean 'Princess' in hebrew!!! lol and i really love this look into chapter 1 but it needs work as do all stories but i can tell you have a lot of talent!!! :) cant wait for more!!!

Alicia Randall said:
Looks like this will evolve to become interesting. I like the names you've chosen for the characters names, i like how they are not boring names like..Emma or Sarah or something like that. Would you like a bit of criticism?

Permalink Reply by Hannah Kline on May 16, 2010 at 8:14am

i know all the spelling and grammer mistakes i had too hurry cause i had to go to a party and had to clean my room and that is the reason the 1st chapter is not compleatly up yet

Alicia Randall said:

Cool, i really do like the name Ari :)

For criticism:
-you spelled "stairs" as "staires."
-"im" should be "I'm"
-Need a capital on 'as'
-'alwasys' should be 'always'
-Need a capital on 'like' unless you accidentally put a full stop before it rather then a comma.
-There are a few areas where you forgot the space after a full stop.
-'i' needs to be 'I'
-Make sure you have capitals after a full stop.
-You spelled 'continued' wrong

That's all for grammar and spelling and such. Now you don't have to trust me with all my criticisms since i am only 15. One last thing to tell you, it was really good but i felt it was slightly rushed? Maybe it's just because it is just a part of the first chapter, but just keep that in mind. I look forward to reading more :)

Hannah Rosser said:
i would love criticism
it would just make my book better and thats not all of the first chapter
i read Vasilissa in a book and just love the name
my sister came up with Ari and my friend came up with Athena cause she is obssesed with greek mythology like me :)

Permalink Reply by sarah elizabeth on May 16, 2010 at 7:32pm

haha hannah isnt a bad name either!!! lol has anyone else noticed how people dont lik what they have lik names?? and curly haired people want straight and straight haired people want curly??? lol it seems wierd...lol

Hannah Kline said:

there is nothing wrong with your name i have plenty of friends names sarah. at least your name isnt Hannah

sarah elizabeth said:
Heyyy now whats wrong with the name Sarah?? lol it happens to mean 'Princess' in hebrew!!! lol and i really love this look into chapter 1 but it needs work as do all stories but i can tell you have a lot of talent!!! :) cant wait for more!!!

Alicia Randall said:
Looks like this will evolve to become interesting. I like the names you've chosen for the characters names, i like how they are not boring names like..Emma or Sarah or something like that. Would you like a bit of criticism?